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Posts Tagged ‘Theology’

In this new space where I find myself….I’ve been going though all my work from Seminary. In spiritual formation we kept a journal….this was from a 2008 entry..it is timeless for me as I find God’s voice less than a whisper at times.

 

 

Someone once told me

“To pray is to converse with God”

It seems matter of fact

As if I said broccoli is green

And cauliflower is white.

But within the confines of that conversation

Or the lack there of

I find silence.

Not the silence that comes with peace

But the kind that comes from seeking and not finding.

Frustration and anger are the companions of this silence.

The good Christian inside is afraid “they” will find out

Whoever “they” are.

I am trapped in this chasm of darkness within the light

I do not really understand.

I am alone in the company of many

And my fear is… I have chosen this.

Going through the motions

All the while numb

Have I turned off?

Or is He really just being silent.

I listen,

I am quiet

I hear nothing

But the echo of my own voice

I conjure up His presence.

Sing out His praise

Yet it is only

Silence.

I wait.

I will wait.

My knowledge of Him

Intercepts my feelings

He will never leave me or

Forsake me

I will wait out the silence

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I am grateful,
there is space
to be perfect, yet flawed
And as humility is often illusive
I vacillate between my inheritance
and my reality
Part of the Family…
Yet alone…
As only Child
I roam
among the distractions
of the world and all
that it implies….
But somewhere I hear the whisper
the call
My Grace…
My Grace….
It is all that you need
And at once I am back before him
perfect, yet flawed.

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There is an obedience

that is driven by fear.

It has kept many in line

for many many years.

Cruel master,

with purposeless

tasks….

for all the world to see

for all the world to hear…

Requiring obedience greater than

humanity could muster…

And Paul,  who once was slave

to the merciless foe

spoke of a different path

an obedience that comes from faith,

from relationship,

from knowing

and being known

from a purity wrought with freedom

in fully realizing

that you can…but choose not to….

because it would hurt too much

to hurt those you love

including yourself….

This tender compliance requires measure

to  deny and self regulate,

to look beyond the nagging

of desire and refrain…

Yet still in weakness, It condemns not

with recompense

Fully aware that any attempt at

outward obedience

for appearance sake

creates only Fear Faith

that diminishes and controls

oh it appears well

but really is only like

the minutia of

spice tithing,

while our neighbor dies

from thirst ..

We can try to build walls

to keep people in

keep them right

keep them pure,

keep them acting

like all the other people

who do it right….

And for a while

we can behave

and think we present

pretty well….if we do say so ourselves

but the image is distorted

when held to the Light…

we are really still broken,

and unclean

in need of a savior

who does more than

give us a good face

to show up and talk right.

and bring our offering.

We need the intimacy

of purpose… that sweet treasure

gifted but seldom discovered because

we are  too worried about counting spices.

to know that we really

do matter even when we don’t get

it right.

We miss the comfort of understanding

there is One who knew us

before we were born,

who whispered our names

to our parents anxious hearts

the Knitter of souls….

hemming us in

behind and before,

Allowing us to live safe

outside the walls

of the spice tithers,

safe to choose,

to make mistakes,

to ask for forgiveness…and get it

because of who we are

and not because of what

we do….

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Some people are so HOLY
Even their grace is painful.

It reeks
Of self-righteous aggrandizement

Filthy rags…
I think that was what Christ called it.
Our own attempts: futile and foul.

But full of themselves, some people hiss “Thank God I am not like that sinner..
You see the one over their beating his breast…must be some murderer or thief…Loser, why doesn’t he comb his hair and put on nice clothes to come in here? -This is God’s house…we can’t have that !”

Yes some people are so HOLY
Even their grace is painful.

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