Archive for the ‘Christain’ Category


In the early morning hours of November 9 2016, I lay distraught and wrestling in that place between sleep and wake where nightmares haunt, on a twin bed in a cold stone monastery in Hyde Park NY. A place supposed to provide silence and rest became the spiritual tomb of the religion I deeply loved and once held as truth. It seemed that in that one moment it all became lucid ….a pinpoint clarity….the knot of supposed truth of all I had once argued for, unraveled. The suppressive, patriarchal confines that I grew up with came crashing down and crumbled onto that tiled floor.

Looking back now I know it did not begin there in that room on that post election morning. I was knocked off my pharisaical horse sometime around my second year in seminary -the blinders ripped from my eyes by professors and pastors who loved The Word too much to let it be abused. The first stirrings of hesitation came when I began to understand the blatant misuse of the text for power mongering and gender oppression. Where those who had no problem preaching a God of love while holding the Bible as a vicious weapon to silence any and all who disagreed with their literalist interpretation.

I had spent months, if not years, grappling with the safe predictable religion of my youth which said grace was enough: one that preached of purity, acceptance and love but was infected with hypocrisy, hate and exclusion. And I was left to wrestle while an enigmatic and mysterious faith began to emerge…. one that was comfortable in paradox and mystery. A faith that was awakening to context and nuance and subtext, one that didn’t need to defend God or protect God’s reputation because God was quite capable of handling any doubts that I had and any shade one could throw. A faith that was comfortable being right and contented being wrong.

Somehow in that moment, post election morn… it all became clear and I saw it…I awoke to the hateful injustice toward the marginalized coyly couched in the “poor will always be with you” to justify a bootstrap mentality. I saw how it didn’t really matter what you said and what you did as long as you could recite the equation of the Romans Road and you voted in the right party… you were in the club. I saw that people who claimed to know and love Jesus could just toss out the teachings of Christ like yesterday’s trash and fully disregard his call to love neighbor, welcome the stranger, heal the sick and help the hurting. I finally saw the weeping sores of the great cancer of evangelical consumerism and power.

In the early morning hours at Holy Cross, the reality sunk in: the country and church I had loved my whole life betrayed me in the most unimaginable way. The scales fell from my eyes, and it all became clear. I could not unsee, unfeel or unknow the truths I had witnessed and then and there I knew I must come out and say NOT ME..

I will not be a part of this…if this is what and who the Evangelical church stands behind…count me out!!!

I choose to accept….

I choose to include….

I choose tolerance…

I choose truth…

I choose LOVE.

God have mercy on us all!

























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In this new space where I find myself….I’ve been going though all my work from Seminary. In spiritual formation we kept a journal….this was from a 2008 entry..it is timeless for me as I find God’s voice less than a whisper at times.



Someone once told me

“To pray is to converse with God”

It seems matter of fact

As if I said broccoli is green

And cauliflower is white.

But within the confines of that conversation

Or the lack there of

I find silence.

Not the silence that comes with peace

But the kind that comes from seeking and not finding.

Frustration and anger are the companions of this silence.

The good Christian inside is afraid “they” will find out

Whoever “they” are.

I am trapped in this chasm of darkness within the light

I do not really understand.

I am alone in the company of many

And my fear is… I have chosen this.

Going through the motions

All the while numb

Have I turned off?

Or is He really just being silent.

I listen,

I am quiet

I hear nothing

But the echo of my own voice

I conjure up His presence.

Sing out His praise

Yet it is only


I wait.

I will wait.

My knowledge of Him

Intercepts my feelings

He will never leave me or

Forsake me

I will wait out the silence

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It is only appropriate that it is raining today….Creation mourns with large tear drops

from heaven….No longer “land of the free and home of the brave” but

Land of the Fear… Home of the Bully.

My voice does not matter…..it does no good.

For years I have preached to a people

Love God and Love your neighbor

Deaf ears

It has fallen on deaf ears

We care more for money than people

Fame more than forgiveness

Fear more than love

I am broken

We are broken

God have mercy

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Human nature is funny
I play these games on the mountain
clawing and kicking
I wrestle my way up
Only to see
You before me
when I reach the top.

And I knew that when I started
You were there
but somehow on the way up
I thought it was me.

When I look down
I realize how small I am
and being up here
is a little frightening,
I am exposed by pride
and feel afraid,
how did I get here again?

And I thought the way up
was the way to go.
But it is not so much up
as it is towards….
leaning into you makes the
fear dissipate
And I am comfortable
to be small
in your presence.

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So Oft’ it is taught…
In creation
God was pleased…
It was good,
dark and light
day and night
water and land
fish and beast
but somehow when humanity arrived on the scene….
things went awry…
so because of the Fall God created plan B …
Now sin was in play…
So in order to have “the likeness of God”
Saved from an eternity of death…
They were kicked from the garden
Walked out with only their freshly killed skins, their shame,  and a curse:
He of toil and sweat from his brow.
For her perhaps even worse now
Pain in birth,
And desire for her beau but be ruled over though
She would be forever reminded of her dance with deceit.
Dripping defeat, with juice from a fruit which opened their eyes
But was God surprised? Did humanity’s fall catch him off guard?
“Oh those foolish humans we have made…. We have gone and messed up…Now we must figure a plan to save them…. what was plan B again….?”
I think not, Not if all Knowing… all Loving…all Holy
Perhaps in it all
Through it all
It was really a way of
Showing Great love….Offering choice to Love or to Not,
To Live or to Die…
To follow or fly their own way.
You see without choice,
We are puppets dancing at the end of a string
Obedience given is only true when it is formed from love… in relationship.
For we needed to see the futility of the law,
So that we could fully embrace the
Sufficiency of the cross….
“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends”

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I am grateful,
there is space
to be perfect, yet flawed
And as humility is often illusive
I vacillate between my inheritance
and my reality
Part of the Family…
Yet alone…
As only Child
I roam
among the distractions
of the world and all
that it implies….
But somewhere I hear the whisper
the call
My Grace…
My Grace….
It is all that you need
And at once I am back before him
perfect, yet flawed.

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Right is what I feel
When I disregard you,
“de”contextualize you
place you beneath me
and lord some belief over you
that I have…
and you do not
it makes me feel….above and not beneath

justifies my contempt

Like I know and you do not
and that somehow makes me
right…. and you….well…..wrong.

But Truth is not dependent
on my perception, my doctrine, my denomination
Truth stands confident
waiting to be discovered.

Regardless of how I feel or perceive

like gravity, or entropy

Truth does not answer to the desires of man…or woman…

it simply is…..

Truth cannot be bought

though it longs to be owned

Truth will not be tamed, or twisted or turned

By those who try to wield it as weapon

Truth will wait, quietly, confidently for those

Who who will embrace the incredible

freedom it holds

for Good and not for evil.

For Life and not for death

For Love and not hate……and not just to say,

I am right….and you are wrong!

You will know the Truth and it will set you free

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