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Archive for the ‘Christain’ Category

In this new space where I find myself….I’ve been going though all my work from Seminary. In spiritual formation we kept a journal….this was from a 2008 entry..it is timeless for me as I find God’s voice less than a whisper at times.

 

 

Someone once told me

“To pray is to converse with God”

It seems matter of fact

As if I said broccoli is green

And cauliflower is white.

But within the confines of that conversation

Or the lack there of

I find silence.

Not the silence that comes with peace

But the kind that comes from seeking and not finding.

Frustration and anger are the companions of this silence.

The good Christian inside is afraid “they” will find out

Whoever “they” are.

I am trapped in this chasm of darkness within the light

I do not really understand.

I am alone in the company of many

And my fear is… I have chosen this.

Going through the motions

All the while numb

Have I turned off?

Or is He really just being silent.

I listen,

I am quiet

I hear nothing

But the echo of my own voice

I conjure up His presence.

Sing out His praise

Yet it is only

Silence.

I wait.

I will wait.

My knowledge of Him

Intercepts my feelings

He will never leave me or

Forsake me

I will wait out the silence

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It is only appropriate that it is raining today….Creation mourns with large tear drops

from heaven….No longer “land of the free and home of the brave” but

Land of the Fear… Home of the Bully.

My voice does not matter…..it does no good.

For years I have preached to a people

Love God and Love your neighbor

Deaf ears

It has fallen on deaf ears

We care more for money than people

Fame more than forgiveness

Fear more than love

I am broken

We are broken

God have mercy

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Human nature is funny
I play these games on the mountain
clawing and kicking
I wrestle my way up
Only to see
You before me
when I reach the top.

And I knew that when I started
You were there
but somehow on the way up
I thought it was me.

When I look down
I realize how small I am
and being up here
is a little frightening,
I am exposed by pride
and feel afraid,
how did I get here again?

And I thought the way up
was the way to go.
But it is not so much up
as it is towards….
leaning into you makes the
fear dissipate
And I am comfortable
to be small
in your presence.

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So Oft’ it is taught…
In creation
God was pleased…
It was good,
dark and light
day and night
water and land
fish and beast
but somehow when humanity arrived on the scene….
things went awry…
so because of the Fall God created plan B …
Now sin was in play…
So in order to have “the likeness of God”
Saved from an eternity of death…
They were kicked from the garden
Walked out with only their freshly killed skins, their shame,  and a curse:
He of toil and sweat from his brow.
For her perhaps even worse now
Pain in birth,
And desire for her beau but be ruled over though
She would be forever reminded of her dance with deceit.
Dripping defeat, with juice from a fruit which opened their eyes
But was God surprised? Did humanity’s fall catch him off guard?
“Oh those foolish humans we have made…. We have gone and messed up…Now we must figure a plan to save them…. what was plan B again….?”
I think not, Not if all Knowing… all Loving…all Holy
Perhaps in it all
Through it all
It was really a way of
Showing Great love….Offering choice to Love or to Not,
To Live or to Die…
To follow or fly their own way.
You see without choice,
We are puppets dancing at the end of a string
Obedience given is only true when it is formed from love… in relationship.
For we needed to see the futility of the law,
So that we could fully embrace the
Sufficiency of the cross….
“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends”

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I am grateful,
there is space
to be perfect, yet flawed
And as humility is often illusive
I vacillate between my inheritance
and my reality
Part of the Family…
Yet alone…
As only Child
I roam
among the distractions
of the world and all
that it implies….
But somewhere I hear the whisper
the call
My Grace…
My Grace….
It is all that you need
And at once I am back before him
perfect, yet flawed.

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Right is what I feel
When I disregard you,
“de”contextualize you
place you beneath me
and lord some belief over you
that I have…
and you do not
it makes me feel….above and not beneath

justifies my contempt

Like I know and you do not
and that somehow makes me
right…. and you….well…..wrong.

But Truth is not dependent
on my perception, my doctrine, my denomination
Truth stands confident
secure
waiting to be discovered.

Regardless of how I feel or perceive

like gravity, or entropy

Truth does not answer to the desires of man…or woman…

it simply is…..

Truth cannot be bought

though it longs to be owned

Truth will not be tamed, or twisted or turned

By those who try to wield it as weapon

Truth will wait, quietly, confidently for those

Who who will embrace the incredible

freedom it holds

for Good and not for evil.

For Life and not for death

For Love and not hate……and not just to say,

I am right….and you are wrong!

You will know the Truth and it will set you free

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There is an obedience

that is driven by fear.

It has kept many in line

for many many years.

Cruel master,

with purposeless

tasks….

for all the world to see

for all the world to hear…

Requiring obedience greater than

humanity could muster…

And Paul,  who once was slave

to the merciless foe

spoke of a different path

an obedience that comes from faith,

from relationship,

from knowing

and being known

from a purity wrought with freedom

in fully realizing

that you can…but choose not to….

because it would hurt too much

to hurt those you love

including yourself….

This tender compliance requires measure

to  deny and self regulate,

to look beyond the nagging

of desire and refrain…

Yet still in weakness, It condemns not

with recompense

Fully aware that any attempt at

outward obedience

for appearance sake

creates only Fear Faith

that diminishes and controls

oh it appears well

but really is only like

the minutia of

spice tithing,

while our neighbor dies

from thirst ..

We can try to build walls

to keep people in

keep them right

keep them pure,

keep them acting

like all the other people

who do it right….

And for a while

we can behave

and think we present

pretty well….if we do say so ourselves

but the image is distorted

when held to the Light…

we are really still broken,

and unclean

in need of a savior

who does more than

give us a good face

to show up and talk right.

and bring our offering.

We need the intimacy

of purpose… that sweet treasure

gifted but seldom discovered because

we are  too worried about counting spices.

to know that we really

do matter even when we don’t get

it right.

We miss the comfort of understanding

there is One who knew us

before we were born,

who whispered our names

to our parents anxious hearts

the Knitter of souls….

hemming us in

behind and before,

Allowing us to live safe

outside the walls

of the spice tithers,

safe to choose,

to make mistakes,

to ask for forgiveness…and get it

because of who we are

and not because of what

we do….

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